Better You Deep Dive - Issue 7

We all want to learn how to be better—smarter, healthier, more loving, more successful…

…but here's the thing: Before we can truly transform our external circumstances, we must address the feelings of "emptiness" that reside within so many of us.

This emptiness isn't immediately obvious. In fact, I lived with mine for years without recognizing it. Yet it manifests in our constant seeking—that persistent feeling that if we just had more success, more recognition, more possessions, or more love, we'd finally feel complete. 

It's the driving force behind so many compulsive behaviors, from scrolling endlessly on social media to emotional eating, being a workaholic, or any number of emotional or physical addictions. We're constantly trying to fill something that seems unfillable.

But what if I told you this emptiness isn't your fault, and more importantly, that you have the power to heal it completely?

Our emotional foundation forms during childhood, long before we develop the cognitive ability to understand what's happening. During these formative years, certain fundamental needs must be met for us to develop a secure sense of self. 

When these needs go unfulfilled—not through any fault of our own—we develop an emptiness that follows us into adulthood.

Think of it as building a house without properly setting the foundation. No matter how beautiful the structure appears, it remains fundamentally unstable. Similarly, we can achieve external success while still feeling empty inside if our emotional foundation wasn't properly established.

The good news? Unlike concrete foundations, our emotional foundations can be rebuilt at any age. But first, we need to understand what essential elements were missing.

From the moment we enter this world, we require more than just physical nourishment. Our emotional well-being depends on four core needs: belonging, security, validation, and connection.

These needs might sound similar, but they serve distinct purposes. 

Belonging gives us a sense of place in the world. Security allows us to explore without constant fear. Validation confirms our inherent worth. And connection provides the emotional bonding essential for healthy development.

As we grow, these needs evolve. We begin to require being truly seen and heard for who we are. We need celebration of our unique qualities. And critically, we need at least one person who genuinely believes in our potential.

In my own life, it was my aunt who fulfilled this role. My parents were physically present but emotionally distant, yet my aunt saw something special in me that no one else recognized. Her unwavering belief became my emotional anchor during turbulent times. This taught me that sometimes it takes just one supportive figure to change the entire trajectory of a person's life.

When our fundamental needs go unmet in childhood, we typically develop one of two coping mechanisms that follow us into adulthood. 

The first is a “surrender” approach. This is where we essentially abandon hope of ever having our needs fulfilled. I've worked with countless clients who've resigned themselves to emotional isolation, convinced that deep connection is simply not in the cards for them. "I'll just focus on my career," they tell me, or "I'm better off alone with my pets." This resignation stems from the childhood conclusion that their needs were unimportant or impossible to fulfill.

The second pattern is an "outsourcing" approach. Here, we make others responsible for filling our emptiness. We might pin all our hopes on a romantic partner, believing they'll make us feel complete. Or perhaps we look to our children, expecting their love to heal our wounds. Some even seek validation exclusively through work, making their boss or colleagues responsible for their sense of worth.

Both strategies inevitably fail. The surrender approach leaves us isolated and unfulfilled, while the outsourcing approach places an impossible burden on others. After all, no external person—no matter how loving—can permanently fill another's emptiness. They have their own needs, limitations, and life circumstances that make consistent fulfillment of someone else's emotional needs unsustainable.

This brings us to what I consider the only sustainable solution: emotional self-sufficiency: the "self-fulfillment” approach.

When I introduce this concept, I often encounter resistance. "But it was my parents' job to meet these needs!" And you're right—it was. 

But continuing to wait for what should have happened decades ago keeps us trapped in perpetual emptiness.

Others worry that meeting their own needs seems selfish or narcissistic. Nothing could be further from the truth. Self-fulfillment isn't about inflating your ego; it's about healing your foundation so you can show up authentically in the world and in your relationships.

The reality is beautifully simple: No one can meet your emotional needs better than you can. No one else has the consistent access, understanding, and commitment required. You are with yourself 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, for your entire life. Who better to provide the consistent care your inner self requires?

When we consistently practice self-affirming thoughts and behaviors, we literally rewire our neural pathways. This isn't mystical thinking—it's neuroscience.

Our brains operate largely through pattern recognition and reinforcement. The neural pathways formed during childhood created your default emotional settings. But neuroplasticity—our brain's lifelong ability to form new connections—means these patterns can be altered at any age.

The key is consistency and repetition. A single positive thought won't rewire decades of negative programming. But regular practice creates new neural highways that eventually become your default setting.

When I explain this to skeptical clients, I often use the analogy of physical exercise. No one expects to transform their physical body with a single workout. Similarly, emotional reprogramming requires consistent practice to yield lasting results.

Let me share some practical techniques that have helped thousands of my clients transform their relationship with themselves.

First, create personalized affirmations that directly address your specific unmet needs. Rather than generic statements, craft declarations that resonate deeply with your particular emptiness. 

For instance:

When first practicing these affirmations, you may experience resistance. Some people report feeling tearful, angry, or even physically uncomfortable. This is actually a positive sign. It means you're addressing something significant. These reactions indicate that your system recognizes the importance of what you're doing, even as it resists the unfamiliar.

For deeper reprogramming, I recommend utilizing the alpha brainwave state—that relaxed yet alert state between full wakefulness and sleep. You can access this state through a simple visualization exercise:

Find a comfortable position and gently direct your gaze upward while keeping your head still. Then close your eyelids while maintaining that upward eye position. Take several deep breaths, allowing your body to relax with each exhale.

In this receptive state, visualize yourself traveling back to your childhood home. See yourself approaching your younger self with compassion. This child—who is you—has been waiting for someone to truly see and meet their needs. Now, as your adult self, you can provide exactly what was missing.

Speak to this child with all the love and reassurance you deserved: "I see you completely. I value everything about you. I will never abandon you. Your needs matter to me. You are enough, exactly as you are."

Practice this visualization regularly, and you'll begin to heal the original wounds that created your emptiness.

As you become proficient at meeting your own emotional needs, something remarkable happens. Your relationships transform. No longer approaching others from a place of desperate need, you begin to connect from a position of wholeness and choice.

This shift creates a positive cycle. When you're no longer draining others with insatiable emotional hunger, they respond more positively to you. When you validate yourself, you become less dependent on external approval. When you provide your own sense of security, you make decisions from confidence rather than fear.

Perhaps most importantly, you break generational patterns. By healing your own emptiness, you become capable of truly seeing and responding to others' needs—including those of any children in your life. You model healthy self-regard, teaching by example that self-worth comes from within.

The journey to emotional self-sufficiency isn't always easy, but it is absolutely worthwhile. Each time you respond to your own needs with compassion, you strengthen your emotional foundation. Each self-affirming thought counteracts years of negative programming. Each moment of self-recognition helps fill that emptiness.

Begin today. 

Start with small acts of emotional self-care. Notice when you're seeking external validation and gently redirect that energy inward. Practice your personalized affirmations daily, especially when resistance arises. Enter the alpha state regularly to communicate with and heal your inner child.

You are the one person who will be with you for your entire life journey. By becoming your own greatest ally, you transform not just your relationship with yourself, but your entire experience of living.

When you learn to fulfill your own emotional needs, you no longer experience life as a constant search for something missing. Instead, you discover that the wholeness you've been seeking has been within you all along, waiting to be recognized and embraced.