Better You Deep Dive - Issue 6

Nurturing desire within your relationship isn't about finding the perfect partner who instinctively knows how to keep the flames burning. It's about understanding what each of you uniquely brings to the table and learning to navigate that lovingly and thoughtfully. By recognizing how each person’s expectations, communication patterns, and personal needs impact desire, you can create a relationship where passion and deep connection naturally thrive.

We've all spent a lifetime absorbing romantic narratives where couples meet, experience overwhelming passion, and somehow maintain that intense desire forever. These stories never address how perceived incompatibilities and lack of communication left unaddressed gradually erode sexual attraction.

Many of us believe we'll meet our "other half"—someone who will complete us and maintain perfect sexual chemistry without effort. One of the biggest problems with this belief is that it undermines desire and breeds resentment when you place the responsibility for your sexual fulfillment entirely on your partner.

Here's the truth: You are not “a half” waiting to be completed. You're a whole person with your own desires and needs. 

When you approach relationships from this perspective, desire becomes something you actively cultivate rather than passively receive. This shift puts you in the driver's seat of your own desire.

When we believe our partner should instinctively know how to please us without communication, we're setting up both the relationship and our sexual satisfaction for failure. Taking ownership of your desires and clearly expressing them creates the authentic connection that keeps passion alive.

In relationships, we often surrender our power by thinking, "I need this person to fulfill my desires and meet my sexual needs." In doing so, you hand over responsibility for your pleasure, essentially saying, "It's your job to make me feel desired and satisfied."

This power dynamic is poison for sustained desire. When you make your partner responsible for your sexual fulfillment, you create pressure that leads to resentment and avoidance. True desire thrives in an atmosphere of mutual choice rather than obligation.

When we fantasize about finding someone who will maintain unwavering desire for us, we feel sexually incompatible when reality doesn't match our expectations. 

But sexual compatibility isn't about perfectly aligned desires. It's about willingness to understand and adapt to each other's needs. When you take back your power and own your sexuality, you create space for authentic desire to flourish.

Imagine meeting someone new and immediately believing, "They desire me completely and always will." You're setting yourself up for disappointment when the initial hormonal rush inevitably changes.

Consider the clash when one partner believes affection should only be expressed in private, while the other believes, "If you desire me, you should show it openly and make your attraction obvious." When these perspectives don't align, desire often becomes the first casualty.

Perhaps you need verbal affirmation of your desirability, while your partner expresses desire through subtle touch or creating intimate environments. Neither approach is wrong, but misinterpreting these differences can lead to feeling unwanted when in fact your partner simply speaks a different language of desire.

I remember a client who was convinced her husband no longer desired her because he never initiated sex with words. When we explored further, she discovered he expressed desire through creating romantic settings and offering massages. Once she recognized these as his expressions of desire rather than just "being nice," their sexual connection transformed.

The real problem arises when we decide, "You're not making me feel desired in the specific way I expect, therefore you must not want me." This assumption creates a cycle where both partners feel misunderstood, leading to withdrawal and diminished desire.

If you've found someone but are ready to dismiss them because of how they communicate about desire, try expressing your needs clearly: "When you approach me this way, it helps me feel desired. When you do this, it makes it difficult for me to connect sexually."

By communicating these preferences rather than expecting the other person to instinctively know, you create space for desire in ways that work for both of you.

What sustains sexual desire beyond initial chemistry is being each other's best friend and confidant. A deep friendship creates the safety and trust that allows vulnerability—which is the gateway to profound desire.

When you truly listen to your partner, you create emotional intimacy that naturally translates to physical desire. Many couples find their sexual connection fading not because of physical changes but because they've stopped truly seeing and hearing each other.

Sharing experiences, laughter, and meaningful conversations fosters a sense of partnership that strengthens both emotional and physical connection. When you're not just lovers but also each other's closest ally, the foundation of desire is solid and passion can thrive through life's ups and downs.

A crucial starting point for maintaining desire is asking: "What makes me feel wanted? What makes my partner feel wanted?" You need to find a middle ground.

You might need explicit declarations while they might express desire through creating opportunities for intimacy. If they don't naturally express themselves in your preferred way, it doesn't mean they don't want you. It means you need to communicate about how you each experience and express desire.

I often tell my clients, "Maintaining desire in your intimate life is a shared responsibility. Don't assume your partner doesn't want you just because they don't express desire in the way you expect." 

I've had clients say, "We're great in bed when we get there, but the problem is getting there because we can't recognize each other's signals."

Ultimately, the key to balancing your needs with your partner’s is open and honest communication. By talking openly about what makes you feel wanted and listening to your partner's needs, you create a more fulfilling and connected relationship. Desire is something you build together, and when both of you take responsibility for nurturing it, the connection deepens.

If you've found someone you're attracted to, begin with these questions: Do you feel safe being vulnerable with this person? Can you communicate openly about desires? Do you respect each other even during disagreements? If yes, that's a strong foundation for sustainable desire.

Even couples with strong physical chemistry argue about practical matters like money and household responsibilities. These everyday conflicts can significantly impact desire if not handled with care and respect. When partners feel understood in daily interactions, they're much more likely to maintain sexual interest in each other.

Maintain desire over time through honest conversation: "I feel most turned on when you approach me this way," or "I need emotional connection before I can get into a space for physical connection." These conversations might feel awkward initially, but they create the understanding that allows desire to arise naturally. 

You don't need identical sexual preferences, but you do need to understand each other's desires. 

Some people find it difficult to verbalize desire, preferring to express it through actions or touch. This difference doesn't mean they don't feel attraction, but it can create significant disconnection if not addressed. If you immediately decide, "If you can't express desire in my preferred way, we're incompatible," you might miss out on a deeply satisfying relationship that simply requires some translation between different desire languages.

The reality is you'll rarely find someone who perfectly matches your desire style and maintains unwavering passion without effort. Consider approaching desire as a shared creation: "I can take responsibility for expressing my needs clearly. My partner can make efforts to meet me halfway. And perhaps some of my expectations need adjustment."

Identify your desire patterns early, then explore what underlies them. Are you seeking validation through your partner's desire? Do you equate specific expressions of interest with love? Recognize that while desire is important, making your partner solely responsible for maintaining it creates pressure that often backfires.

Look at your partner's approach to desire. They have their own way of expressing attraction, which may differ from yours. They may need different conditions to feel desire, different types of initiation, or different frequencies of connection.

Don't jump to conclusions like, "They didn't initiate sex this week, so they must not find me attractive anymore." This kind of assumption creates distance precisely when connection is needed most.

Clear communication about desire isn't just about stating preferences, it's about asking questions and remaining curious about your partner's experience. "What helps you feel most connected to me? When do you feel most drawn to physical intimacy? What makes it difficult for you to connect sexually?"

Maintaining desire in a loving relationship isn't about finding someone who perfectly matches your sexual preferences or who will always want you in exactly the ways you expect. It's about creating a foundation of understanding, communication, and mutual respect.

True desire thrives not in fantasy but in the authentic connection between two people who see, understand, and choose each other again and again.