Better You Deep Dive - Issue 4

My clients are my greatest teachers, and what I have learned over and over from them—more than anything else—is that most of them don’t feel like they’re enough.

Let me share a story with you.

When I was working in L.A., I was on a show full of major celebrities and I had to go and visit each of them at their house and work with them. I had just flown in and I was going to see this really famous guy and my producer rang to ask what kind of car I was driving.

You see, this particular famous man didn’t allow any cars other than Porches, Ferraris, or Jaguars to be parked in his driveway. I was driving a Mustang at the time, which is a very nice car, but I had to park it around the corner away from his house and walk up the driveway.

So, I finally reached this man to start working with him. He had done very well in his career, he was quite overweight, and he began to tell me his story about why he was so unhappy.

He said that he’d had five wives and that they’d all been such a disappointment to him; he said they’d all let him down. He shared that he’d just moved into this house and that he hated it and planned to move again. He said he’d had so many shrinks and no one has ever been able to help him, so he had no idea what I thought I could do.

That’s when I told him: I know what’s wrong with you.

He looked at me quite surprised and said, “What?”

I replied, “You don’t think you’re enough, do you?”

He was quite defensive and aggressive at this, but then big tears started coming down his face and he said, “Do you think that’s it?”

Yes, I explained. Those five wives all had a husband that disappointed them. His movie success meant nothing to him. No fancy house was good enough for him. 

You see, when you don’t feel like you’re enough, you simply can’t get enough. I learned that from all the bulimics I’ve worked with who just eat and eat and eat because they feel so empty. But of course, 10 chocolate bars aren’t going to fill up emotional emptiness.

So I said to him, “I want you to write this on your mirror and put it on your screen so you wake up every morning and see it: I am enough.”

I told him to read it and say it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. He seemed not to buy it, but agreed to try,

Months later as I was walking to my gym, I saw this man on the street. He had lost a significant amount of weight. He shared that all he was doing was saying “I am enough” every day, and that it had changed his life.

And the secret is, it changes everyone’s life.

I’m still in touch with him. He emails me occasionally. Now he’s slim, he’s married, and he has two children—and he doesn’t make people park around the corner anymore!

There are lots of studies out there showing how important praise is, but what these studies have neglected to explore is that self praise is actually even more important than being praised by someone else.

You’ve got to praise yourself every day.

So, if you’ve got a boss or partner or parent who doesn’t give you enough praise, tell yourself what it is you want to hear:

You’re fantastic.

You are so lovable.

You’re indispensable.

You’ve done brilliant work.

You are so smart and capable.

And so on.

Telling yourself these things actually has more of an effect on you than when others tell you. Part of the reason for this is because, when someone else compliments you or praises you, you may find yourself rejecting the praise.

For example, someone might say you look nice and you reply by noting something derogatory about yourself like “I haven’t washed my hair today” or “this shirt is really old.”

Someone might compliment a presentation you did and you might reply with, “Yeah, but I forgot the most important bit.”

When your autopilot is self criticism, praise from others has trouble breaking through. That’s why it’s got to start with you; you’ve got to praise yourself.

People think the brain is really complicated, but it's actually quite simple. You only need to understand these basic truths about your brain to achieve the life you want.

So, when you say things like, “I got dumped and it was so painful, I never want to go through that again,” all your brain picks up is that you don’t want to be in a relationship again.

Or say you’ve had a miscarriage and you say, “I could never go through that again.” Your brain is taking that as a command to make sure you never go through it again, which can result in unexplained infertility.

Perhaps you had a scary flight where you started telling yourself, “When this plane lands, I’m never flying again.” And of course it lands and you’re fine, but then you start having an anxiety attack the next time you go to get on a flight because your brain is operating on you saying you never want to fly again.

If you’re not having the experience you want to have, it’s because you’re giving your brain very confusing messages and your brain’s number one job is to listen to what you say.

It will do everything it can to help you avoid pain.

Imagine you’ve just done some public speaking, like giving an interview or a presentation and it was uncomfortable or even painful and you tell yourself you never want to do that again.

Well, next time you go to speak publicly, you’re more likely to have an anxiety attack or stumble over your words because your brain is doing what it can to help you avoid public speaking.

To change what you’re telling your brain in such circumstances, practice moving from scared or nervous to excited. Tell yourself you’re excited, then really picture what the positive results of the experience will be.

It feels wonderful knowing I’m a great speaker.

I love coming across as really authentic.

I’m excited at how well I delivered my message.

Your mind will understand, and if you make those mental pictures really good and pleasant, you'll move towards them. Your brain wants to move you towards pleasure and away from pain.

And the way you think about anything is only down to two things: the pictures you make in your head and the words you say to yourself.

Close your eyes and hold your arms straight out in front of you at chest level, kind of like you’re holding the reins of a horse.

Keeping your eyes closed and your arms out, imagine that in your left hand you’re holding a huge red bucket of more than 80 pounds of wet cement.

Feel the weight of that bucket pulling your left arm down. Feel it in your wrist, in your elbow, and even in your neck as that 80 pounds gets heavier and heavier and heavier.

Now in your right hand, imagine you’re holding a huge, helium-filled balloon. It’s lighter than air, and it’s bigger than you, and it’s absolutely weightless.

It’s taking your right arm up and up and up, and your right arm is becoming absolutely weightless.

It’s pulling up, and your left arm is becoming increasingly weighed down.

One arm feels weightless and the other is way down and it’s simply because of the pictures you have in your head and the words you’re telling yourself.

Now you have absolute proof that your brain believes whatever you tell it. It doesn't even have to be real. There's no bucket and there's no balloon, but your brain will believe anything you tell it—good or bad, right or wrong—so tell it great things. 

Tell it you're enough, and it will change your life.

P.S. Don’t forget: You can check out additional insights on this topic in a short video here.