Better You Deep Dive - Issue 3

If you’re single and looking to date yet find yourself facing a constant barrage of internal doubts, you’re not alone. The fear of rejection can be overwhelming.

Do any of these sound familiar?

What if I date someone and they don't like me?

What if I'm not good enough for the person I like?

What if they reject me because of the way I look?

What if they find out I'm not that smart?

What if they discover I'm not that interesting?

What if I get hurt?

What if it doesn't work out?

If so, you might find yourself thinking that you just can’t put yourself through dating at all anymore, even though you would really like to have a partner.

The thing is, dating shouldn't be tough; it should be wonderful. The stress and self doubt you put yourself through, though, can make it quite tough and even painful. And it all goes back to a fear of rejection.

But I have some good news: No one can reject you unless you give your consent. In other words, you can always decide that no one has permission to reject you.

So, what exactly is dating anxiety? Let’s say that you’re about to head out on a date and you feel extremely nervous, maybe even a bit shaky, anxious, panicky, like your heart is racing, or like there’s a lump in your throat.

These are all signs that you believe somebody could reject you.

Dating anxiety is also the fear of putting yourself out there at all. For example, you could have anxious thoughts about setting up a dating profile, fearing someone swiping the wrong way if they don’t find you tall enough, slim enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, wealthy enough—and so on.

These are the things that cause dating anxiety.

With dating anxiety, you are leaving yourself open to judgment: Will they like me, or will they reject me?

You're feeling pressured to find your match. You're looking for your other half—but you’re not a half! You’re already whole. Don't look for someone to complete you because you're not incomplete.

When you say you’ve got to “find the one,” or you believe you’re not whole without another person, that’s a lot of pressure you’re putting on yourself.

And sometimes we also have pressure from family or community—people asking when you’re going to get married, when you’re going to give them grandchildren, or saying that you need to get out there or you’re getting too old to be single.

Married or coupled friends can think they’re encouraging you by comparing themselves and pushing you to go find someone, but it all feels a lot like pressure.

Then when we combine these self and external pressures with your own internal self doubts of being good enough for the person you’re dating, the results can be emotionally crippling.

Instead of asking yourself any version of “What if you don’t like me?,” the question should be: “What if I don’t like you?” or "What if I don't feel that you're right for me?"

Go on each date giving yourself the power to be the chooser, not the chosen.

Focus on the things you like about your life—your friends, your pet, your home, your job—whatever those things are for you.

Practice thinking about bringing someone into the parts of life you love, and being happy with those same parts of life regardless of having a partner.

Practice thinking, “I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person.”

Make your life happy now, and if you find someone to share it with, that’s great! And if not, keep making a good life.

This will help a lot with dating anxiety.

The single most powerful thing you can do to attract the right love relationship into your life is to decide you are worth it.

Practice telling yourself things like…

I'm worthy of love.

I'm deserving of love.

I'm ready for love and love is ready for me.

When you decide you are worthy of, ready for, and deserving of love, you will find it—and it will find you.

Don’t look for love from a sense of lack. Fund love from a sense of knowing that you are already lovable.

When you’re going on a date, take some time well before you start getting ready and just give yourself a good talking to:

I've got a good heart.

I'm a wonderful person.

I've got something to offer the world.

I am lovable.

I'm kind.

I'm interesting.

I'm funny.

And I promise you this: you are someone's fantasy dream come true.

A friend of mine once shared the story of when he met his wife.

He said, “She was walking along in a cafeteria and she shoplifted a candy bar, and her thighs were rubbing together, and I thought, 'That is the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.' 

I loved her: the fact that she lifted this candy bar and stuck it in her pocket, and I loved how her thighs rubbed together.

And I said to her, 'I saw that!' And she laughed and said, 'Don't tell anyone.' And we began to date."

And they've been married for 30 years! You see, you might think someone seeing you in a compromising moment or noticing that your thighs rub together would be reasons for them to reject you—when in fact, there’s someone out there who would find that deeply sexy!

Sometimes we find love in the most unusual places.

But it’s very important to start by liking yourself. Go on a date with an attitude of, “I like me. And if you like me too, that’s amazing. If not, that’s a shame for you but it’s not a shame for me because I know I’ve got something to offer the world.”

When you start to think like that and speak like that to yourself, you begin to eliminate dating anxiety.

So before you head out on a date, practice being mindful. Remember what other people have loved about you.

It’s not about some generic idea of perfection. It’s about being you—your unique self, just the way you are.

We don't love people because they're perfect, we love them because they have a real heart.

And no one can make you feel good about yourself. That part has to come from within. You have to like yourself first.

When you go on a date knowing and liking who you are, your confidence will make you extremely attractive.

So take a minute and tell yourself the truth: you are deeply lovable just as you are.

The most important words you ever hear will come from you.

P.S. Explore additional insights on this topic in a short video here.