Better You Deep Dive - Issue 2

Learning to carry yourself with more confidence—whether while speaking or simply with your physical presence—is easier than you might imagine. And the truth is, you don’t have to already feel confident to start practicing this today. The more you practice, the more confident you’ll feel.

In our modern world, we spend so much time slumped in a seat. From drooping in front of our computers to hunching over our phones and tablets, we have forgotten how to hold ourselves.

Let’s take a closer look at exactly what kind of posture and presence you can adjust to using that will give you the body language of someone who appears to be incredibly confident.

The first thing to become aware of is that confident people speak slowly and deliberately. They don’t speak fast and loud (which is sometimes mistaken for confidence, but is really more of a nervous self-defense mechanism).

When I first started appearing on TV and practiced speaking slowly and deliberately, people would come back and say to me, “Oh my god, you’re so confident!”

And I really wasn’t.

But I studied people who I perceived to be confident and I noticed, oh, they speak slowly. They take their time.

Speak slowly. Don't speak fast and loud.

Think about films you’ve seen where the person in power speaks softly and everyone has to lean in and focus to listen to them.

That’s confidence. 

They don’t need to shout. They don’t get all excited.

Powerful people speak slowly. They command attention. They have presence, and you can have it too by practicing speaking slowly and deliberately.

Speak slowly and look directly at the person you’re speaking to, or at the camera if you are doing TV or video. With a crowd, take turns making eye contact with people in different parts of the audience and on different sides of the stage.

Eye contact conveys confidence.

When you maintain eye contact, people tend to feel more seen and understood, and this naturally leads to them being more engaged and invested in what you’re saying.

Hold their attention and show confidence by looking people in the eyes.

Confident people don’t wave their hands around. Excited people do—and there’s a time and a place to really convey excitement—but if you’re simply not paying attention to how you’re using your hands when communicating, they can make you come across as having nervous energy, not confidence.

I saw myself on television many years ago and noticed I was fiddling with my rings throughout the entire interview. And I thought, “Hmm. That’s not a good look.”

To help myself stop this behavior and show more confidence, I practiced keeping my hands down by my side when on seated TV interviews. Sometimes I even sat on my hands to make sure they weren’t flapping around or fidgeting.

If you want to look very composed, pay attention to your hands.

Watch some speakers you admire. Watch a TED Talk. Notice how the speaker’s hands move or don’t.

Thoughtful, purposeful gestures are fine; the goal is not to appear frozen! Do some practice in front of a mirror and try out some of the hand gestures you see your favorite speakers using. Pick ones that feel most natural to you, and which you can see yourself using during a conversation, interview, or presentation of your own.

Think of this tip as more of a checklist—and I’ll include the other tips we’ve discussed here as well so everything is in one place:

✅ Shoulders down and back

✅ Stomach in/core muscles activated

✅ Chin up

✅ Keep hands in check/be selective with your gestures

✅ Make eye contact

✅ Speak slowly and deliberately

You have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Speak, and then listen.

Listen to other people. Make them feel interesting. Imagine that everyone you meet has a little sentence tattooed on their forehead that says: Please make me feel important.

When you meet someone, it’s not about talking all about yourself—who you are, what you do, and so on.

Focus on asking them about themselves. Focus on being interested in them.

That's what the Royal Family does. They smile. They listen. They look people in the eyes. They do it hundreds of times.

They're probably not interested in you and the tomatoes you grow, but they make a point of acting like they are. And that's a great gift to anyone who meets them.

When I do book signing, I get feedback like, “You’re so nice!” and “You make yourself so available!”

I make a point of making everyone feel interesting, smiling at everyone, signing their name, saying, “Who are you? Tell me.”

They're buying my book. I owe them that at least. I don't go, “Oh, another one, scribble scribble scribble, there you are.”

I engage with people. I make them feel important. I don't ask them to make me feel important.

Body language. Posture. Skip all the wringing of your hands, fiddling with a hang nail, playing with your jewelry, fluffing your hair, and so on. Because that says you’re nervous!

Even if you are nervous, when you speak, move, and hold yourself deliberately, you show confidence.

Strength is shown in stillness. The more still you are, the more strong and powerful you appear. Speak slowly. Try to be still, then very purposeful with your movements. Try not to wave around.

And help yourself by believing in yourself.

There are so many things you can do that give you the posture of someone who believes in themselves. Walk with confidence. Talk with confidence. Meet people's eyes.

Avoid the classic mistake when someone asks you about yourself to race through your reply in case they get bored. Don't do that. Tell them what you do, why you do it, and why you love it so much.

And take your time.

Don't go into a whole story, but don't rush who you are and what makes your heart sing. If someone is getting bored, just say, “Enough about me. What about you?”

How to know if someone is bored? Their body will start to turn towards the door—their shoulders, their knees, their hips. And when you're bored, notice that you do the same thing!

If you're listening to someone and you want to make sure they always feel like you really care about what they’re saying, keep your shoulders, knees, and hips faced towards them—no matter how bored you are! This is especially important for something like a job interview, or when nurturing relationships.

Keep yourself turned towards them and that communicates: I'm interested in you. I find you interesting.

So, carrying yourself with confidence really comes down to two things:

People who are successful do this naturally, and you may have to do it unnaturally for awhile until it clicks in for you—but who cares?

The more you practice, the more it will become second nature. And then it is who you are, and it all starts with what you do.

You'll find that if you keep pushing your shoulders back and down, holding yourself straight by engaging your core, making eye contact, and so on that eventually, you’ll do it on autopilot.

That's a wonderful thing.

P.S. Try out my FREE I Am Enough guided meditation here to start building more confidence today.